I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.