Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My dad.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My ideal weight is five million dollars
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.