if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The struggle is real.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap