If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos