I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
This is Sparta
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.