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This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water