[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
You Might Also Like
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.