Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.