Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My love language is hissing.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Going into Monday like
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?