doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!