I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*