The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
The “baby” on the left….
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.