Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny