*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all