“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Bring back the McRib
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
meow
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.