Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!