I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
The Onion called it…again.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“A little help here, Danny?”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.