2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.