THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.