Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
me and the Superbowl rn
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.