Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Yeah. This was me today.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
LOOOOOOL
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?