In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
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Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
so this horse walks into a bar
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Breakfast for Stoners:
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.