6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”