Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
We decided to have money instead of children.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl