[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
You Might Also Like
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.