“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
You Might Also Like
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?