*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*