If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
You Might Also Like
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.