The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?