on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Just a reminder, folks:
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Lmao
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.