Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper