Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
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*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with