A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
our love story in four pictures
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.