Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
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Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Made something I’m not proud of
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*