Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-