So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts