Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
What if all the cashiers are married?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.