People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Why do my kids have Veteran鈥檚 Day off, they haven鈥檛 done shit.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Wikigenius
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 馃槶
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I鈥檓 Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I鈥檓 Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don鈥檛 already know I鈥檓 an idiot.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Just a bush.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I鈥檓 hungry now and don鈥檛 wanna wait for big food
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I can鈥檛 tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.