“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
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When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*