ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
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Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Still my favourite meme.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
A game married people play.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
what’s the point then??
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: