reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
finally found a reasonable question
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.