I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
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If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Have a lovely day 😊
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die