priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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