Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You Might Also Like
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue