I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I’m not lazy
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point