I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕