him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Very good! 👍😂
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
best first i’ve ever seen
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”