“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT