So the ex texted me
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Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro