My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
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In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
selena gomez
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.